Continued from DA

My Muse has mentioned this to me several times, and mentioned it again earlier this morning on the phone...like...around 1 am.

I always seem down. And the last time I seemed happy was at Nekocon.

While I'll admit that I was indeed happy, it would have been even better if she'd have been able to go with me. I know this is kinda gonna get a little personal here, but yah.
I've been thinking about that a lot.
I'm happy more than just that, and it's only when I get to talk to her every day. It's the honest-to-god truth, I watch the clock all day, (I know...I probably sound like a friek now), waiting to get off of work. Then I can go home, where I can do what I want to do, talk to her on the phone, and of course draw.
Talking to her is the highlight of my day

And I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I guess the reason I seemed to happy as compared to normal was due to a lot of things. The good part of it was because I was kinda trying to make up for the fact that she couldn't be there. I wanted to be able to take her to the convention so badly, her first convention, and it's always been exciting to go to a con, and not just an anime con, any con in general is exciting overall. And I was estatic the whole time because all I could think about was "what am I gonna buy her? Will she like this? That? Oh what about this? I wish she could see this/meet them/this/that/the other thing/holy shit-tacular!" And I couldn't talk very much during the con so when I did get to talk to her at the con I just couldn't help myself and exploded wanting to give detail for detail.
I guess another reason was that I actually felt respected and truly accepted. I get approval on DA and from my family and friends, and Ashley above all else. And I cherish that. It's the best feeling to hear that they like my artwork.
It was just so different, and it was a take-back on my part as well. I'd never ever displayed my artwork to the public like that. I know, I know, it was my first artbooth, it was just a convention. But the experience was so unreal. I went into this convention dreading it deep down. I was excited and nervous on the outside, but inside I was screaming "I wanna go home! Noone's going to like it I'll be a laughing stock!"
I was shaking so bad that friday morning it wasn't even funny. I couldn't even think straight as the first people walked in, and I had the luck of having my booth as one of the first ones right next to the door. It was truly terrifying. But even though not many people bought anything, which I didn't expect much of since I was unprepared and didn't have much to offer; I had business cards that went by the dozen as people walked by and flipped through my artbooks. And I didn't hear one thing of ridicule, only suggestions like "this would also look pretty in that color" or "I actually think it looks nicer in black and white". It was awesome to hear suggestion where I expected tomatoes to be thrown. I haven't been drawing that long at all, and am still fairly new to the con scene with only 4 or 5 under my belt. And as an aspiring artist it's tough, it's really tough. Especially with free-lance and con-going because you literally have to sell yourself, and if noone likes it then it's tough-shit in all reality.
As far as standards go, I can safely say that I'm nowhere near a professional level yet, and I just barely have my toes holding the door for me. This con got my foot a little further in, but not by much. But still I made so many friends, like Demon Fart Cabbage, and everyone else I met there. I recieved praise where I didn't think I would. And I think the best part of that bit was when one of the voice actors, Daniel Kevin Harrison - the voice actor for Hiroshi from Gravitation, had seen my picture of Shuichi Shindo when I tried to get him to sign it, he took the time to walk up to my art booth and flipped through all my stuff, telling me what a great job I was doing, and that I should never stop. And that was one of the greatest things I've ever had happen in my life thus far. To have a professional in the industry, someone who's around this environment constantly, who sees artwork for anime and manga that is much greater than my own, who can walk up and tell me that to my face no lies seriously and mean it. I am more determined than ever.
Going back though.
I really wasn't trying to give the impression that I was having much more fun there.
And I can't wait to take her to animazement. It'll be a hundred times better.

I guess there was just a lot of stuff going on, when there normally isn't. Every day I go through the same routine. I wake up, take a shower, go to work, come home late and draw or do housework or schoolwork, then I call Ashley on the phone......and I have nothing new to talk about.
And I hate that. I hate not having anything fun to talk about half the time. I feel boring. And that's the last thing in this world that I want to become - boring. It's really why I tend to seem so down all the time. And it's not just Ashley that notices it and says something. I've only been at my new job for a month and my co-workers are already making contests on "Who can get Pam to smile first" (and I'm not joking on that, they go for a daily revenue on the subject), even my family has started in "why don't you smile more?".
My reason to smile is not here. She's in Havelock. I guess in plain english, the reason I refuse to smile is that I think to myself "why should I smile if she can't see it. And a phone can't transmit that, only audio waves." Don't get me wrong, I love hearing her voice every day, it does make me smile, laugh, everything. I'm just terrible at narrating my emotions. Always have been, always will be probably. I know I do a terrible job of even trying, especially when I'm worn out, cuz then I feel like all I do is complain about my day........which I don't need to be laying down on the table like that.
I'm very visual in my affections. I'm just bad at displaying them, which has always been a problem in ALL of my life's relationships from friends to family to loved ones.
I'm such a backwards person.
I'm happy, but I can never show it the way that I want to. I'm very sloppy with my displays of affection.
awkward.
but happy.

I know......"Pam....you should be telling this to Ashley you dumbass!"
I know......and I will.
My mind is all muddled.......so I wanted to express it before it left completely. I hate my mind for that. The minute I don't it's gone for good.

Which has brought me to my current dilemma with Je T'aime. I had 2 different scenes completely planned out, and I was in the process of writing a third one. I fell asleep writing that one. I woke up, and could only remember bits, microscopic bits, just an outline of the outline. Instead of having A-Z, I only had every other one. A.........D............K..........N...........P, and none of it worked, still doesn't.

dammit.

And I want to finish this so badly. It's actually begun to affect my character layouts again. I was just lucky enough to squeeze out Haven, even then he still has errors. And I can't fix them. I tried to fix his arm - it's not working.

Which brings me to my current enragement - full of fail atm. My doldrums of a daily routine has once again taken its toll on my creativity spark. I have My Muse, My Love, and the inspiration is there. My hands won't work. My mind is muddled.
and it's starting to piss me off. Cuz it's there, I see it all, what I want to write, what I want to draw, I see it as clearly as the keys on my keyboard - yet it just doesn't happen.

ftw?!

There's been other issues bothering me along this line as well.

I still feel unaccomplished. I'm getting ready to finish up my second year of Illustration school.
I want this major so badly, more than anything.

Yet there's still more I want to do.

Science........the unknown. I've been feeling the urge on and off for months now, to continue my studies in scientific and astronomical research. I'll say it, although art is my academic desire and obsession...........for some wierd reason science still is, and always will be my first love in academics. When I was a kid that's all I ever did, read, take notes, watch films on science and astronomy. I only had books. Never sketchbooks.
Yes, it's true.
I drew on and off as a kid yes, but it was few and far between. I concerned myself with locking up in my room reading than anything else. I honestly didn't pick up a pencil and become serious about the arts until 6th or 7th grade.
My artistic history only spans no more than 7 years. That's it. Other than mandatory art classes in grade school, and the occassional boredom drawing, that's it. Middle school to present day. I never knew what I really wanted to do. At the time I wanted nothing more than to become an astronomer, study science in all it's forms. I am truly a mad scientist at heart.
My problem - motivation. I hate studying in a school environment. I just can't sit there and pour over notes, books yes, notes and making it mandatory - and sitting down for it? - no can do. It's why I ended up choosing Illustration over Astronomy in the long run. I was torn for years on the decision. I started planning college searches for the best ones in the field before my freshman year, but I could never pick one, and I was torn between it and art. Art is fresh, new, it's always different, and you don't have to just sit there. If you want to take your sketchbook to the park for fresh air, then do it, draw the people around you and turn it into something great. Science is waiting for the opportunity, sitting there waiting for something new to happen, when sometimes it doesn't. Astronomy is sorta abstract only in the opportunity that there is always something new being discovered.

I would love to mesh those worlds.

So I'm stuck again. I have the option of putting my loan payments on hold until graduation as I have recently been notified. If such an opportunity exists, I might just take it, and hold off all my loan payments until after graduation. It'll be expensive - oh gods yes......damn near $100,000 expensive at the end of the road, I'm already halfway there at $50,000 come next fall, not including the price for supplies and upkeep, and I don't even attend the dorms or meal plan cuz I take online (whoo boy).

But, I think I've decided on my second major. Not minor, maybe, that part is undecided....2 year or 4.....most likely 2.

University of Virginia
Degree in Astronomy

It kills so many birds with just one stone if the opportunity still persists. Postpone payments, register to attend the dorms part-time and earn a 2 year degree in Astronomy, while at the same time pulling my AAU classes down from full-time to part-time as well. It'll take me probably 2 years longer to earn that Bachelors in Illustration, but I'll come out of it at the same time with double degrees > BFA in Illustration and and Associates in Astronomy. Only if they'll accept my grades. I was never good at math, and haven't taken it for 2 years, even then I never got past Geometry, I never even made it into Alg. II.

Maybe I'm overdoing it in that aspect.

I dunno.

It's only a thought right now. But if I did decide on this, if it were indeed possible for me to do. Then I'd do it next fall or spring.

I'm undecided. Keep pursuing this path, with no guarantees as to whether or not I'll come out of it strong, with only that under my belt, or minor in something that'll jump-start me to where I know I could afford to pay off all those loans, and still do the things I love to do, draw and reach for the stars.

I dunno.

I have to go shower and go to work. We have big sales today.

It's going to be rough.

Toodles all.

I'll update with some sketches later on today or tomorrow.