concept for my girlfriend's chara Jaidyn.

He will have clothes on at some point.

Another badge for Animazement

will post the colored version on my Deviant account.


It's Tyki Mikk from D. Gray Man

something for animazement

The first 2 parts of some D. Gray Man conbadges I'm working on.

This list goes on as:
Allen Walker (pic above > sketch done)
Lavi (pic above > sketch done)
Arystar Krory/Eliade
Kanda Yu
Komui Lee
Miranda Lotto
Road Kamelot
Tykii

lol

school switch

I am at such a loss for thoughts right now.

My girlfriend mentioned to me tonight that I seemed depressed and down. And she mentioned it a couple times while I was up there visiting her this past weekend.

I couldn't give her a straight answer though.

I didn't know why.

I've been like that for weeks, months on and off actually.

I can never think straight.

But sitting down tonight after she mentioned that, I thought about it alot.

And I've figured out the grand majority of what it is right now.

I just started school. I'm only 2 weeks into it.

And I'm not happy with it.

I love AAU. I really do. It's probably one of the greatest things that ever happened to me academically. A great start for my future art career, loads of connections, you name it, and they're pretty much one of the top 3-5 oldest art academy's in the US alone.

One problem though.

I'm online.

I'm really starting to hate it.

It's convenient I'll admit, but at the same time it lacks a certain something. > Human interaction.

Outside of close family/friends, my girlfriend, and co-workers. I literally do NOT interact with any outside people. Most of my communication takes place through direct orders from higher-ups at work, brief convos with my dad or grandparents, and daily telephone conversations with my girlfriend. Other than that, I never go out, never go shopping unless I have a day off and no schoolwork or other chores around the house to do. And I haven't had a solid lifestyle since I left high school.

I think that's my main problem.

Since I left high school, the grand majority of my life's routine has been > in a word > a mess. There is almost NO order to my life anymore. With my new job the only order it offers is that I have every other weekend off sat-mon, and I always work 9am-6pm, allowing me evenings to talk to my girl and do schoolwork. Before that it was absolutely chaotic. My sleeping schedule is permanently messed because of it (I'm now an insomniac)

I never thought I'd run into this kind of luck, but I've been quite accepted by the academic community, which is definetely something I didn't expect, and is definetely a reason I shunned most of the other colleges I applied for, because I automatically expected NOT to get it. Several NC colleges being among that list, most of which I admired and really wanted to try for. But alas no.

I initially got accepted into The American Academy of Art in Chicago, IL. And I almost had my foot out the door on that one. Problem was > tuition, and distance. It had NO online programs, and required freshman to stay in the dorms their first year. Tuition price was $20,000 a semester (small private institute). I was surprised they even accepted my art portfolio, much less praise it and say that I had hidden talent (made me happy > don't get me wrong on that one!).

I then tried for Academy of Art University, which is where I currently attend classes. It's located in San Francisco, CA. I do online courses.

My one downfall though with this > I reside in NC, and it's in CA. Mind you online classes are definetely a plus! At the time when I applied, I could not find any other credible Art Institute that allowed for a BFA in Illustration, without requiring me to travel great distances either across country, or overseas, which is something to this day that frightens me on levels beyond reason. On top of this, being as I technically "attend" (be it physical or not) a CA campus, even though I reside in NC, I am currently unable to take advantage of NC's great student financial aid opportunities (they have pretty much THE best in the country at this point). Also, since I only attend a CA campus, but do not physically reside in said state, I am also unable to take advantage of their residential alumni benefits, screwing me over financially, in a very bad way. I am currently paying off a near $45,000 debt, that is still climbing because of this. Since I could not apply for aid grants that were actually beneficial to my education (multiple $thousand ones that NEVER have to be paid back haha), my parents and I had to resort to a place through AAU called Direct Loans, which gave us 2 $20,000 parent loans, and a $5,000 student loan.

The parent loans of course have to enter repayment after the first 3 months of being actively used, which means that at the end of every semester (each parent loan is broken up into 2 $10,000 loans for each year's semester), it reminds me that the following spring, I'll be having to repay it. My second one is entering repayment this may, which will bring me to a near $400+ monthly payment. Of course they have given me the option to extend this out so that my payments are lower, which I'll definetely most likely take advantage of, but still. That's a lot.

Anywho, I'm not trying to bitch and moan here. I've enjoyed my education at AAU thoroughly.

I just feel like I'm at a standstill with it. I'm not getting something.

Interaction.

It's one thing to be a part of one of the best art academy's in the country, and have your work reviewed by nationally and even internationally renowned artists, who are also your professors. They look at your artwork, which you scan in (online student remember), and submit an image of your drawing to the online student forums, and then you wait for them to submit a review and grade it.

Or, you can get a completely different viewpoint, and have an instructor that actually stands behind you while you draw, critiquing you and telling you what you are doing wrong (your posture, the way you hold the charcoal, your attitude, hell if they don't like your hair!) And then be able to show you physically over and over again until you get it.

I miss that.

Mind you that the online classes I have now at least TRY to make up for that lack of one-on-one education benefit by sending students pre-recorded lessons from the modules that show the professor themselves doing every lesson and assignment from start to finish the way you're supposed to do it, so that you can watch it over and over again.

But it's a repeat. Your professor online isn't going to really know if you're actually holding your charcoal correctly, or if you're even using the right notepad.

I really miss that.

I truly miss having a structured educational environment.

I see my girl, her brother and friends, even my own sister, along with other people I've met through work who are still in high school even, being able to get up at a set time every morning, and going to class, sitting in a cafeteria talking with friends, going from class to class, participating in sports and after-school activities, or going home and then doing homework/holding an after-school part-timer job, and still having free time to hang out with their buddies and loves.

I don't get to do that anymore. And honestly, I've grown to envy it. I crave it.

I want a structured life again.

I want to wake up in a dormitory, get my ass out of bed and take a shower, then gather my supplies and head down to the cafeteria, grab a bagel or something and head off to class for a few hours. After that I head to whatever job I have a the time, making just enough to maintain any bills I have (car/previous tuition/cell) along with saving for travels and entertainment, etc. Then, on either the weekends or just during the week at some point when I'm not having class or if I have a few days off work > head down to see my girlfriend. I could do that multiple times during the week if I wanted to, and if the college was close enough.

I need something like that. I really do. I'm always confined nowadays. I sit at a desk at work, doing jack shit and listening to people piss and moan about life and gossip away about me or their next door neigbor, or the stupid dog across the street, or whateverthehell happened on today's soap episodes during lunch break, then I go home, grab something small to eat, do house chores, and then sit and do homework into the wee hours of the morning. sometimes I fit the gym in there just to get out of the house.

Which is what I DON'T do unless it's to go to work. I NEVER leave the house anymore. unless as said for work. or to go out of town, which doesn't happen much but every month to month and a half if I'm lucky.

I hate it. the silence and lack thereof of a life pisses me off enough to rupture my insides into a cesspool of gore. The only thing I do look forward to in this world right now other than the occasional convention or of course graduating or moving out of my house, is the few visits I get to make to see my girlfriend. I cherish those more than anything, and although I find myself terrible at expressing myself in any other way other than doting (since I don't get to do it enough lol), I just look forward to nothing more than "when can I see her again." She is my Muse, my light in life, my true salvation from this hellhole of a mixtape lifestyle.

And even my thought convos are so muddled.

See? I've digressed about 4 times since the start of this entry haven't I?




I officially confirm that it is definetely time for me to make for a change. And that's final. I'm not bullshitting on this one.

I believe I want to transfer. Transfer to an actual campus, in NC, one that's nearby, that's reliable, that actually HAS what I want.

AAA and AAU were at first the only ones that offered a BFA in Illustration with reliable resources.

I have found hope in an old flame.

My senior year in high school I had attended god knows how many college seminars, where committees from different community colleges and universities attend to hand out fliers and information on them to try and recruit you to the academic side and all? Yah those.

The only ones that ever intruigued me at first for NC were ECU, UNCG, and GC. Of course, my only disappointments in these were that I had terrible math grades, and they said that my overall grades would require me to take 2-3 years of basics at a local community college first before even trying for them and even then it was doubtful. On top of that, neither of them had Illustration, which is all I've ever wanted. Sciences was another consideration, and still is, but that'll have to wait until later for me now.

Anywho. As a result I was discouraged and resorted to online applications and out-of-state/country colleges. Thus leading me to both AAA and AAU, AAU of course which is my current attendance.

I have since recently been considering checking out NC colleges again to try and find something I could compromise Illustration on, so that I could just add that so-wanted order to my life.

My girl has mentioned ECU so many times, and she has mentioned wanting to go there herself. These conversations have intrigued me into researching not only that one, but others as well.

Come to find out, ECU DOES have an active arts program.
AND they have a BFA in Illustration available.

One of the biggest discouragements for me on that my senior year had been that at every seminar, ECU had been there, and each time I gathered and filled out information from them because they seemed to be, and turns out they WERE, the most promising. Only thing is > NO ONE could tell me JACK about their arts program. Nuthing! They had a small arts department, but they could never tell me exactly what majors they had for it. And at the time, not even their website divulged it, a major letdown, so much I considered dropping it entirely.

but they do, and HAVE had an Illustrative arts program since the late '40s.

FTW?!

If I'd have known that before I'd have probably saved thousands in loans and out of state tuition fees, which are a killer on one's wallet mind you.

It seriously pissed me off at first when I discovered this recently. But it's made me think a lot lately, which is probably cause for my lack of more sleep and silence/irritability. Stuff like this just irks me to no end.

But I've gotten to thinking about it again.

I want to transfer.

It's reliable. It's small I'll admit, but it's reliable on the same levels as AAU, and it's also a widely spread international campus with online capabilities.

It's in Greenville, NC. That's a little over 90 minutes away from my Girl. Closer to everyone and everything I'd want to be near, and farther from Greensboro.

It's a new everything.

AAU recently sent me in a flier asking me to apply for summer financial aid (another $5,000 student loan), so that I can apply for summer classes (I take a 2 class semester every summer at AAU to get extra curriculars out of the way.)

Anywho. I've been considering taking the summer off for a semester anyways so that I can apartment hunt and finally get my car paid off.

I might just still do that. But instead of reapplying for fall at AAU in 08/09, apply at ECU instead like i initially wanted to.

And it's going to be SO much easier this time.

Since I already have 2 years under my belt at an established university, NC laws don't apply for the basics, especially since I'll have to just transfer my credits.

On top of all this, AAU's credits allow me to go farther in the year, so my fundamentals classes, already place me at 2/3 the way through their Illustration curriculum. Basically the way I'm visually guessing it now looking at the difference in class amounts (AAU has a huuuuuuge list of required classes I have to take, taking me through to almost 4.5-5 years for a BFA), and ECU doesn't have as many required classes, in which I have just about all of them except painting and senior portfolio classes. So if my credits transfer right, I could either do part time and still graduate in 2010 like I'm supposed to, OR I could double up and get it all done in 1-1.5 years, allowing me early to late 2009 instead, and with extra totally irrelevant classes I've already taken instead (comics/french/computer arts/basic intro class).

On top of this, my tuition will go down nearly by half. It's only a $60 app fee, and I have to shell out $120 to even get a slot in at AAU for re-registration every semester (3x a year!) AND, my classes at AAU are almost $2,000 a pop! and I take 5 classes a semester currently. My tuition goes over $20,000 right now for the year. ECU is a little over half that from what I'm understanding. It's still pricey, but compared to > my wallet will be a little smidge fatter as a result, and then I'll finally be able to apply for all those NC student grants I want so badly. And I'll still get my BFA in Illustration.

It still pisses me off that this was not made clearer to me sooner, but at least I've been given the opportunity to think it over.

The more I think about it, the more I get mixed up about it though.

I want to be able to go to an actual school.

I want to be out on my own, even if it WOULD be in a dorm for now.

I want to be closer to my girlfriend, even if it's still not in the same town or even county.

I want to have all that.

I do believe I want to transfer.

But when I sit and think about it. when I download that application, I feel sick. I feel like throwing up. I feel nervous.

Moving away, being by myself, even though I'll be near other students and faculty who can still help me.

It feels exhilarating and fresh, and great. But at the same time I get so nervous about it I just feel like retching into the nearest waste bin.

I'm a coward.

And that's how it is really. I turned down AAA for AAU because they offered online Illustration. But I still wanted that campus interaction from day 1.

I was, and still am, way too afraid to move far away. And I'll admit, CA IS far away.

But so many other people I've known in life and online have done far more. Some are currently going to school thousands of miles away in another country to get the degree of their choice. And they're probably nervous and get lonely yes, who doesn't.

But they did it.

Why can't I?

I'm always such a coward on this. I just don't have any balls when it comes to making decisions on my own. Should I do this? What will they think? Will they like this/that/the other thing? Probably not/I hope so.

dammit.

I really want to though.

it's there. Right there.

it wasn't there before. Now it is.

I wanted all these things, and they're all there in one pretty little package > ECU.

That college's name has haunted me since I left Goldsboro really. I turned it down so many times. Lost so many connections because I could never find any information on what I really wanted out of a college. And now they have it, the one I initially wanted so badly to apply to. And I have the grades now. I have the transcripts. I will have near 45 credit hours to throw at them when I finally apply this spring. They require 30 hours with a minimun 2.0 gpa for transfer students at least. I'll have 45 hours plus at least a 3.0 (I'm currently sitting on that based on my first 2 weeks of grades averaged right now). I have more than enough this time. I didn't have squat to get in last time. And there's no more worries about frickin community colleges.

But I gotta go and be a damned coward getting all butterflies in the stomach over a little decision.

Now I'm getting pissed.

I'm still going to continue thinking this over. As if I hadn't done that enough over the past few months.

Anywho.

Sorry for the rant guys. Or whoever reads this. If you do.

I just really needed to get this off my system. It's past midnight and my girlfriend's asleep so you have to listen to my bullshit before she does lol.

But I suppose. In a nutshell. What I'm trying to say is.

I finally got myself worked out on this college thing. I know what I've wanted to do with it, and I never got the chance to. Now I have the chance to, and it kills many many birds with one stone. I can move out, I can get my BFA in Illustration along with a better social atmosphere, 1-on-1 teaching face-to-face, I can go to the college I'd really like to go to, I can live closer to my girlfriend! Everything.

*sigh*

I'll probably make a decision here in the next couple weeks.

I dunno.

Most likely.

Yes.

I will.

Next fall.

ECU.

Jaidyn and Cyprus

Left = Jaidyn

Right = Cyprus

They are an Uke and Seme My Muse wanted me to draw pic pics of. And I started drawing these to just mess around with them. Now I love them so damn much I even named them, and want to write a short one-shot of them based on said pic pics.

*squee*

Yay!

Now I"m off to color them.