Internal Scream Of Frustration!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just one fucking thing after another isn't it?

First some jackhole decides to email me last night and be a wise ass, giving no information as to their business and only to tell me that my debit card has been temporarily deactivated.

Duh jackhole!!!!!!! You emailed me at my other email address. I only use yahoo for banking information dumbass!!!!!!!!!!!! Not Gmail. So even though I was already aware as to the fact that not only was it not Bank of America, the only bank I use currently, because they would have:
A.)emailed me at my Yahoo mail account
B.)not been so dumb as to not give any further information as to why other than please call us at our 800 #
C.)would have definetely used their standard layout which has their logo and title at the top of EVERY email they send me updates with.

Neither of these were present and it was at my Gmail account, which I only use for my artsites ONLY.

So still fuming at the thought that "someone is trying to fuck with me..........AGAIN!" I wait patiently until morning being as it was going on 11pm-midnight and whatnot.

I call the number and it's Wachovia's automated card activation service.

I have no affiliations with Wachovia no?

NO

Luckily I was able to get in touch with an actual person instead of a stupid automated teller thing, so she thought it was odd too and told me it was probably an error and I shouldn't have anymore troubles.

Thank Gawd.



Then, I get another frustrating bill in from my student loans service. They raised my tuition payments AGAIN!!!!!!!

It's not riding at $350 a month!
that cost, including a $150 car payment, upcoming insurance this month AND license renewal which totals at $350 (car payment/license/insurance). Thankfully that's not monthly on the insurance and licensure. License is annually and insurance is bi-annually in July and Dec.

Then to make matters worse gas is tougher than ever and thankfully my job is close enough to where I can walk even when it's raining cuz I get there in literally 2 minutes being as I live not even a block and a half from it.

Mail postage went up so when I first priced my commissions as being only $2 to ship. Just to send it out in a sturdy envelope on the slowest sendout possible cost me $4.50, that's 75% of my initial commission price!!!! Not to complain or sound greedy but that's the equivalent of doing time-consuming artwork for less than $2 or $3 a pop. I can't afford that!
Luckily at work I get 50% off on most everything in the store so I was able to find a cheaper alternative by buying $0.99 cent bubble and cardboard manilla mailers, which cost me about $0.45 or so, then the stampage which is about 2 stamps worth to mail that out. I can do that. It's slower, but it's now budget condusive and the last 3 commissions I have will actually hold out on their profits for me no sweat.
That's been a hard lesson learned on the first 2. A real hard lesson learned.

And back to tuition, even though I...IIIIIIIIIII have been cutting the checks for almost 2 years, the accounts are still under my dad's name and information since Federal Government won't let me sign for my own tuition loans until I'm either married or 24 years of age (HOW FUCKING RETARDED IS THAT!!!!?!??!?!??!). I've been paying it off so far WITH NO MISSED PAYMENTS I might add, and I'm fucking 20....TWENTY. If I can do all that on top of other expenses, and still pay that shit tuition off and STILL hold my job and keep my social life and relationships under control, and STILL pass ALL of my classes (I'll admit to failing 3 overall in the past 2-3 years, but I took them again and passed with almost flying colors!). I think I can sign for a loan and pay for my own goddamned tuition without having to involve my parents before the frickin age of 24 or all of that jazz. I'm suprised my dad could even sign for those loans. By the time it's all said and done I'll be over $100,000 in debt, and I don't even have book or lab or campus room and board fees, which is an extra $15,000 a year!
And that's just my first major. I don't even have a minor lined up yet for crissakes. I don't even have room for a minor.
My mom took my dad to the frickin cleaners. Financially he tells me he doesn't know how he even makes it now, especially with both food and gas prices rising, and the economy going to shit and back.

I'm beginning to see a very very bleak future for America my friends. And I don't like it one damned bit.

On top of this I STILL haven't recieved my stimulus check in yet. Everyone else I know both friends and family have gotten theirs.

It's all ridiculous.

Then I just now got word that my FAFSA was processed. I'll be in touch with my advisors next week to get all the paperwork for MORE loans.

I've given up on scholarships. Why waste hundreds of hours filling out paperwork and writing essays that will NEVER be looked at.

I've done it countless amounts of times since my junior and senior year in high school. I've applied for literally hundreds of these scholarships and grants and pell grants and the latter.

Nothing.

Not even FAFSA helps me in the grant and scholarship department. I got only $400 last year, for the entire year! That didn't even cover my tuition deposit! So hello again to my dear friend Parent Plus Loan, another thing to start paying off in the next 3 months. And that's the downside, it's not a student loan in the student's name so you have to start paying it off 3 months after the start of the year, which is WHY I have to pay tuition now instead of waiting until after graduation.
But I've been told that if I postpone applying until after July 1, then anything after the 1st will not have to be paid off until after graduation, just like everything else that's normal. So no more tuition payments after that. Well, at least not anything higher, cuz I really couldn't afford it then.

It's like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place really. I hate it.

And I can't really talk to anybody about it.

I bawled like a baby over the phone about it for over a half hour to my girlfriend, and I really think deep down that it disturbs her. She's still in high school, and doesn't have to worry about shit like this yet, but I still talk about it anyways.

I hope it won't become annoying or troublesome. Or maybe I shouldn't talk about it at all.

I'd hate to lose her over something like that.....which ties in with my previous journal entry (below) somewhat.


Then there's this:

"Sometimes i just wish that i was already 18 and that i could move out of the house and be out on my own and so whatever i wanted 2 do. i am tired of parents getting on me all of the time over stupid stuff. and sometimes i even think that they don't want me 2 be happy with anybody.....cuz anytime that i get a boyfriend or i am with someone for a long time then they always say....."you need 2 get a new boyfriend"....."he is lieing 2 you"....hes not right for you"......."he just wants 2 talk 2 you when he feels like it". i am just so tired of hearing that all of the time from them. its like they just don't want me 2 be happy at all or somthing like that......I AM SICK OF IT!!!!!. i am just ready 2 move out of the house and be out on my own. and movein with somebody already and just do whatever i want 2. and when i am 18 i am goin 2 move out who ever i am dating i am goin 2 move in with them, and then i am goin 2 go and get my belly button perised.....and do anything else that i wasn't allowed 2 do when i am living with my parents. but yeah as of right now i hate my life and i am ready 2 be out on my own already!!!!"

That was a journal entry titled "I Hate My Life!" by my little sister.


WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON??!??!?!?!??!


I feel like I've failed now.

Maybe I should have tried more. I was never the most supportive older sister, yet she still followed me around as a kid following my every move and mimicking me all the way up until I graduated.

She's changed way too much in the past 2 years. Some of the stuff I've heard.........it's like I'm watching/hearing about my teenage self on a more mentally traumatized and higher status level. That meaning to the fact that I went through high school with 2 parents, but was a societal reject throughout primary, middle, and high school. She's actually been the popular one in the social status. A Prep nonetheless, with very high standards, and has become quite snotty with her clout over the past 2-3 years. That and she's gone through end of 8th and all the way through high school with one parent, who is now remarried, which restructures her entire memory of MOM and DAD until the age of 14. I myself have not forgiven my own mother for getting remarried, and to this day cannot fully look her new husband in the eye. Not that I have any beef with the guy, cuz overall he's very quiet and sensitive, and a very nice and easy guy to talk to, and I trust him to take care of my mother and sister.
He's just not dad.
And my mom is no longer my mom.
I'll address that below later.

It worries me.
Months ago she was fine, had all these dreams and ambitions and kept telling me and everyone that she was going to go to college immediately after high school and study culinary arts and become a cake decorator and design party and wedding cakes and sweets and chocolates (pretty much anything involving cakes and fine/complex desserts). And I'll admit it, if there's one thing between me and mom that we accomplished teaching her at a young age it was cooking, which was something I delved into a lot as a kid being as our meal plan was always "fend for yourself" half the time. So I drug out cookbooks, and started from there, and when in doubt asked mom. The only thing I have a problem with now is cooking meat. I have no qualms with seafood and chicken, but heavy meats I don't eat cuz of my diet so I never cook with them.

I digress.

It truly worries me. I actually came close to crying for a second time today while reading her journal entry.
What can possibly be going on that would drive her to act JUST like that.

Just like me.

I'll admit I wasn't the most quiet-mouthed teenager. Well, I was quiet, but I let it be known that I was rebellious.

I guess I reflected a bit too much on her.

She's acting just Like I did in 2005 when everything fell apart for me.
EXACTLY like me. Except she hasn't attempted suicide yet or anything. I know she's too strong to do that.
But then again.

My biggest fear of this is when dad sees it.

I'm not going to show it to him. But he checks her account every couple days or once a week whathaveyou, and she didn't make it a privatized journal entry. ANYONE can view this entry on her page.

I KNOW he's going to ask me about it. He always does.

And I don't have an answer.

Then he'll confront her about it.

Then she'll start in on him and bring mom and her new husband Kevin in on it.

Then EVERYONE will get involved and something that may have been just a trivial teenaged rant fest out of angsty hormonal pressure release like so many other times, will get twisted into a damn near familial issue that will drive her, them, me, and everybody else insane. Because nobody and everybody can go a day without fucking up other people's business.

And back to my mom......just to get that one off my chest.

I really don't know how to take her anymore. Even looking at her in the face, I can feel the disappointment radiating out of her eyes.
She's resentful.
I turned her down at the LAST minute. Like. Seriously. It's the week of graduation. I'm in the middle of packing my bags because I have every intention of moving out with my mom and sister after graduation.
And I start to analyze the situation like so many other times that I do.
And I really get to thinking.
And I realize exactly what I'm about to do.
I was afraid of my dad. More so of the fact that I'm exactly like him in more ways than I can imagine.
I realized that I knew NOTHING about my dad aside from his name, profession, and birthday, and the fact that he's a complete motor/gearhead.
I wanted to know more about him. Maybe he wasn't so intimidating after all and I could learn something from him, give him a chance, maybe even grow to like and love him again like I did as a little girl.
I wanted that.
I then analyzed my future prospects in this.
He was moving to Greensboro, NC, and had a solid well paying job, and eventually a sturdy household for him (and me) to move into, and was welcoming me with open arms. And there were hundreds of jobs withing a 5 mile radius of housing, because Greensboro is such a highly populated and busy area and is very prosperous economically, and grows literally by the minute (there's ALWAYS a new construction somewhere for a new business or housing area going on every day of the week!)
Mom was moving to Charleston, WV, to live with her mother, who was unemployed and living off social security, and mom had no intentions of immediately getting a fulltime job, maybe a parttime. Charleston is one of the most economically depressed places I have ever seen. WV as a whole has over 17% unemployment rate, it's outrageous!. My chances for succeeding in both employment and college were very slim. And my living quarters weren't the most stable as I was given the choice of using the one room upstairs, or paying rent downstairs in the rat and bug infested and waterlogged apartment (the alleys flood a few times a year, sometimes so bad the people who've rented have had to put all their stuff up on cinderblocks and sometimes evacuate completely during the fall and spring, and it's sewage water......not just water.)
It was so hard to walk up to my own mother and look her in the face and tell her, with not even days to spare "No. I'm not moving out with you. I'm sorry, but I've changed my mind and am going with Dad."
The look in her eyes was fierce. I could immediately tell that she was angry as hell with me, probably the most angered I've seen in her eyes in my entire life, although her face was expressionless. I'm an empath, I can tell just by looking at someone's eyes, and can read them like an open book. I thought for sure at that point that she'd have nothing further to do with me and would stop short of disownment right then and there. I broke down crying, and cried so damn hard I started hyperventilating and apologising profusely. I don't even think I cried that hard for my ex when we finally called it quits one year prior to all this.
Graduation couldn't have gone worse after that.
Both sides of the family showed up and it was a total disaster.
NOBODY said a word. And I had to leave them alone in the same house for 3 hours while I went to graduation practice that morning. I was a total wreck!
I thought for sure someone would say something.
Sure enough though, I handed them all their tickets, and they went
In separate vehicles.
They sat..............on opposite sides of the stadium.
They left..............in separate vehicles.
Dad's family went to their hotel, and I went with them to hang out with Melissa, who was pretty much my only emotional support through the whole thing as everyone else was too silent.
Mom's family and her went with my sister to their hotel, then back to the house on base where we were living at the time, to pack up everything.
Dad and his brother my Uncle Scott went over later to help them with the computer.

They took everything.

I had fallen asleep because my head hurt so bad from all the whirling emotions.

I had left that afternoon for the highschool and had left my house intact, with everything in its place.

I came home around 1 in the morning to find the cupboard and pantry almost completely empty, all the pictures off the walls, the living room was nothing but a single chair, the couch, and the now empty entertainment system with no working cable lines. No computer. No dining table or china hutch, my sister's room was empty save for her empty bunk bed frame, dads room only had the bed and one dresser, and mine was the only one with everything still in it, untouched.

I didn't leave that room for days unless I had to. Dad was so upset I had feared I'd made the wrong decision when I misinterpreted his external anger tantrums for something I had done.

My mom and sister left me the very next morning. And she couldn't look me in the face, matter of fact she didn't, and I knew she was mad. Her words were blank and emotionless. She said "I love you baby", and she didn't mean a word of it.

Since then I think I've only seen her in person about 5 times, and have spoken to her over the phone just as many. 2.....going on 3 years. And I can count on one hand how many times I have conversed with my own mother.
And her attitude hasn't changed.
She certainly has. She's gotten more greedy and selfish, draining my father of every last penny that he's ever earned, which I will not delve into here. I'll just say my dad's lucky he gets by every month on what he has left, and no longer has any free time to himself hardly anymore because he has to work so many long hours just to make up for his losses.
She still looks at and talks to me the same. Blank and emotionless.
And has made no effort to support my education. Not that I want it as I stated about above. But I would at least have liked to hear her make an effort other than "I can buy you some sketchbooks or markers, but you know I really can't do anything for you financially" Hah. Like you can and dad can when you get over 1/3 of his entire income plus yours and your new husband's. She's financially high-rolling it and she tells me that she can't afford to even think about supporting my education, but instead tells me this, in these exact words:
"Can't you get your father to help you with it? You know I can't."

What the hell!

Not only does she insult me and my future career by exceedingly over the years showing nearly NO true appreciation for the work that I do by merely giving me a "oh that's nice" or "keep up the good work" in a monotone manner, not really looking at it but glancing over it then moving on to her next chore of the day as she considers everything else in life to be.

But she tells me in everything, not just financial aid. Rent, credit card, car and insurance. When I was car hunting before I finally bought one I felt I could trust her enough to indulge her with my personal financial qualms about budget for the car and my job.

She's been so brazen as to ask me why I even need one "Can't your father just pay for everything?"

NO

HE BLOODY HELL CAN'T!!!!!!!!!!!

Where does she get the mentality that after taking him to the cleaners that he's still made of money. After paying her all her dues from HIS paychecks, along with child support for my sister, which is damn near $400 a month!. He has rent and his own insurance, then any utilities and food and his clothing etc expenses. After all of that he has NOTHING to his name every month and has come very close to hitting zeros before I can imagine, although I'm not sure as I've never questioned. But the look on his face every month implies his answers for me.

So No. He can't.

And frankly I don't want him to.

That's one mentality I DO have.

A sense of responsibility.

I pay for:
my own clothing
Car payment
Insurance
Gas and oil changes (which I can proudly do myself now I might add!) and upkeep (Yup, I can do that too!, even a tire change!)
Cat food and vet payments for MY cat pretty
any medical bills I encounter (eye doctor, checkups at the family clinic)
Cell Phone
Credit Card
Any other personal expenses such as books, games, personal amenities (bathroom and feminine products), along with any foods I eat myself (I eat organics so anything that I will strictly be eating, I go out and buy on my own time)
Postage expenses
Any and all travel expenses I rack up
Freelance and School Supplies
And Tuition

The only things I don't pay for at this time are rent and utilities, to which I have actually argued the point on with him but he flatly refuses saying I have enough on my plate and if and only if it came down to it financially for him, but for now I doesn't want my money on the matter as long as I pay for the above listed.

And that really pisses me off that she has the gall to ask me if I just considered laying back and putting it all on him.

I think I'd sooner shoot myself than do something like that to a man who has give up EVERYTHING, to make sure that me and my sister can succeed in life.

THAT is a real parent my friends.

And he gets treated like SHIT by someone he's laid down his heart and soul for, for over 20+ years just so she can go behind his back and cheat on him, and rob him of his time and efforts and money, chastise him and call him names and make him out to be a fool who knows nothing!
He's MUCH more intelligent than that. He's actually very wise and philisophical. He's actually taken me by suprise MANY times with just how insightful and processive he really is.
He's a good man, and a damned good father.

Thing is, I know EXACTLY what she and everyone else in her family wanted out of me. I'd heard it over the years but I'd never believed it to be fact.
Their plans were for me to live with them in WV, so they could send me to WV State or Marshall University JUST like my Aunt Donna and Older Cousin Samantha, so that I could become some great Doctor or Phyician who would stay in college for over 10 years and rack up some gigantic student debt that I would have never seen because my father would be slaving away paying for it while I had no idea because I would have become so snide and pigheaded I wouldn't have cared, and would just have left him in the dust and paid no attention to him for the rest of his life.

I've thought of that scenario many times. The fact that I could have fallen into that nightmarish reality of a future and doomed my own father to a near eternity of servitude, denial, and abandonment. He'd have probably offed himself before too long.

There were actually times during the first year of the divorce, and some of the months following it, and even now the threat still stands where I've feared that I'd be either at work or out of town and I'd get some phone call telling me that my father was dead. Either by suicide or some friek accident. It's been a heightened fear that has plagued me on and off to think that if the situation would have become any worse over the past 2 going on 3 years, that my dad was actually being slowly driven to this point, and I was watching it happen, and that there may just be the chance that I'd get that phone call. I don't think I could have dealt with it either.


But it just pisses me off!

No appreciation for me or my father.

None whatsoever!

He busts his ass to keep her happy, and I slave away just as hard at a cash register by day and a computer desk and drawing table by night just to slowly work my way up the social ladder to earn some rank in the art work and one day hold some respect, which I will never earn in her eyes on a true level.

Yes, she thinks my work is impressive and beautiful.

But does she APPRECIATE my efforts.

I can see that in her eyes when she looks at my stuff.

She'll compliment and say "I really love the color. You're so talented, I don't know where she gets it from! Just keep doing your thing baby and you'll go far"
She's started to come around partially because I think the hints I've sent her way are finally settling in.

But sometimes, sometimes I can catch the glimpse in her eye when I show her my portfolios. That small glimmer when she asks me about my schoolwork and where I plan to go from there that implies "Ugh, could you have wasted your time AND money on anything WORSE! Art.....ART!? Who makes a living off art!? Should have gone to medical school like the rest of the family and MADE something of yourself! Instead of wasting your time and days doodling in a notebook!"


There IS more I'd like to say, but it's like 3 am, and my mind is starting to muddle.

And I think I've lost the initial point I was trying to get at. If there even was one before.

I'll continue this at a later time when I remember what I'm all about here.

Toodleloo folks.

P.M.